by Sean Holt
For those of you lucky enough to miss this week’s MTV Video Music Awards, I present to you a full recap:
Lady Gaga dressed up a as piece of paper and opened the show while men in spandex threw their balls around on stage. At the end of her performance, she took off her clothes and did a stupid dance.
Miley Cyrus arrived at the ceremony by driving a Kia Soul through the side of the auditorium, thusly killing a forty year-old Hannah Montana fan.
One Direction presented the award for Best Pop Video, raising concerns about how so many 12 year-olds could have beards. Selena Gomez won Best Pop Video and was given a trophy shaped like Aeon Fluxx blowing Kurt Cobain.
Also, am I getting old, or am I just completely out of the loop? Who the hell is Robin Thicke, and why can’t he sing in one key at a time?
Many were shocked when Lil Kim took off her clothes and announced that she would in fact be the next Batman. Because Hip Hop is a fake musical genre, Macklemore And Ryan Lewis were given a twenty dollar Febreeze gift certificate.
Kevin Hart tried to tell jokes until Miley Cyrus shot him three times with an Orbit gum-brand antique derringer.
For some reason, Kanye West is considered a rock star, which makes me wonder if the VMA for best rock video was given to Thirty Seconds To Mars as some kind of dadaist performance art. Maybe this is also the reason that we only get to see thirty seconds of a prerecorded Daft Punk performance but have to suffer through the entirety of West’s “music.”
I’m still unsure whether Best Female Video is for females who made videos, or videos made for females. Daft Punk seemed unsure as well, but they’re robots and they can’t understand human concepts like “gender.”
Justin Timberlake played half a verse from each of his hit songs and showed some video featuring a girl who forgot to put on pants. No really, look at the right side of the screen.
Everyone else is wearing pants. Why isn’t the blonde wearing any? Was it that hot in New York? Did she show up to shoot the video and forget the lower half of her costume, but the producers didn’t have an extra pants budget? But then it totally happens again half way through the show!
Look at that, there’s like three girls who just straight up forgot their pants! That’s pretty shoddy stage management if you ask me.
The highlight of the evening was the brief ‘N Sync reunion. All members kept their clothes on and did a stupid dance. The performance was tragically cut short when Miley Cyrus ate Joey Fatone in front of the live audience. The remainder of the show was put on hold until the crew could remove enough of Fatone’s slippery viscera from the stage to make it safe for dancers.
At this point, I had to poop, so I missed a bowel movement-length chunk of the ceremony. I managed to make it back in time to see Drake pretend he’s a badass.
Bruno Mars did a thing, but there were lasers, so I watched those instead and tried to forget I was listening to Bruno Mars.
Oh yeah, Miley Cyrus performed too. NYPD was initially dreading the ordeal, anticipating riots, murder, and Biblical plagues. The SWAT team on standby was relieved when she just took off her clothes and did a stupid dance.